i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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