my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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