Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize