So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
