i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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