Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
