just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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