A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
