can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
