just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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