Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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