I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
