she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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