Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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