i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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