I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just blew my weed a kiss
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
