I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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