Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
50% drunk capacity currently
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
