People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
