I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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