We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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