I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
