All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
