I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Randomize
