yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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