He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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