i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
