im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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