I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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