that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
