I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
