She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
