I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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