So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
