remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
