I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize