i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I checked into jail on foursquare
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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