I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
