Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
this hospital has no fireball
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
