Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
