Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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