I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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