Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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