The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
