Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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