I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
