Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
