I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
