I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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