it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
