there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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