you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
