I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
