Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
