Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
