then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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