Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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