omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
