then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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