is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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