Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize