Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
